Just Another Day
“I have to go back!”
“Why, it’s just about dinner time!”
“You won’t understand okay, you just won’t. I’ll be back soon, I promise!”
Be back as soon as you can, I heard my mom say as I sprinted out of the house as fast as I could. Forgetting that it was the middle of the winter, and it was close to 20 degrees outside; I completely forgot to put on any kind of winter attire. I’m sure if my mom saw what I was wearing, which was a pair of shorts and a t-shirt she wouldn’t be very happy, but she simply wouldn’t understand. I sloshed my way through the 6 inches of snow to my car which unbelievably had frosted over within the few minutes I was inside. Considering that it was nearly impossible to see ten feet in front of me, I drove reasonably slowly regardless of my extreme urge to get back. After several minutes of slow, sluggish driving I arrived, back to my second home, the baseball field. As I pulled into the parking lot, I soon realized that I was about to spend more time trying to part than it actually took me to get here, due to the giant piles of snow located in the most in inconvenient places. Finally, after finding a place to park, I made my way over to the batting cage. After only being there for several minutes I was already colder than I had ever been before, so it made me question how on earth has he been standing out here since the end of school with only a shirt and shorts on.
“Declerck, what on earth are you doing?”
“You wouldn’t understand” he replied
“No, please explain.”
“All I want is another Sectional Championship”
Sensing that he wasn’t exactly in the “talking” mood I turned right around and headed back to my car, because honestly, I had no desire to be there. As I got close to my car I heard a hushed mumble coming from Declerck.
“You should want it too”
“You don’t understand my friend, you don’t understand”
Now, that cold, wintery day slipped my mind to say the least, and to be honest I forgot just about everything he said, or lack of what he said. What I’m getting at is that that conversation did not reoccur to me until our second night game of the year. It was just like any other baseball game, calm but intense, exciting but unenthused but nerveless we walked out of there with a victory. The postgame was just like any other as well, until I got home. It wasn’t a big problem, but I did realize that I left my equipment in the dugout. The likelihood that someone had picked it up from my team was good, but I figured I showed head on back there to make sure. Returning an hour or so after everyone had left; I figured that I would just grab my equipment and leave. As I entered the dugout I heard the all the sounds of a batting practice. I turned around and in complete awe; Declerck was standing just beyond left field, taking what appeared to be a rigorous batting practice. Realizing that it was late, I contemplated going over to him, or should I just go home. I decided to just go home because I didn’t really think he would be in the mood to talk. He tends to get into the “zone” during baseball and in a way blocks pretty much everything out but baseball. The following day at school, as we were sitting together at lunch, I brought it up.
“What on earth were you doing out there last night?”
“You wouldn’t understand.” He said
Being extremely curious, I in a way forced him to answer the question.
“All I want is another Sectional Championship.”
I should have known that’s all I was going to get out of him, but deep down, I really wanted to know what made him do the things he did. Knowing him for so long, I was aware that that wasn’t an appropriate question to ask him, so I carried on.
Although I had little to no recollection of our first conversation that cold, and wintery day, the second and most recent conversation stuck with me. Being a senior last year, he has since moved onto college leaving our team without our captain and our leader. Despite being without our captain, his qualities have stuck with us. At the time of his simple remark “All I want is another Sectional Championship” I did not really understand why he could not give me a more detailed response. But after time to think about it, I realized that he gave the best and most influential response anyone could ever give.
My character sketch is about Tyler Declerck and how he worked extremely hard to accomplish the goal that he had in mind. I think that this is one of my better papers as I give really good examples of how he was a hard working individual. For example, I talked about how after one of our night games he remained at the field for several hours to work on his skills. This is a strong example that shows what a hard working individual he is. As for things that I think I need to work on, I'm not sure that my thesis is clear. I feel like I really know what I'm trying to talk about, yet there's a chance that some readers may not understand what I'm trying to say about him. Next, do you think that it is a good idea to open the story with some dialogue?
Other than that I feel like my paper is pretty good.
Hi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI'm so so so happy that you got your blog working!
For your opening reflections (this one and the others), I'd like to see several paragraphs where you really analyze your work. It has been an entire semester and you know so much more now than you did back when you wrote this piece. The REAL grade for the entire portfolio is in the reflection on the learning process and how well you can analyze your work. Be sure to use the vocabulary of our course in your explanations and to cite your own writing.
For this reflection, for example, I might have a paragraph introducing the assignment and what you like about the piece. When you talk about what you like, be sure to cite lines that demonstrate this. And then talk abou the effect you hope that those lines will have on the reader. After that, get into a paragraph where you talk about the weak points you see. Again, use citations from the draft. And this will lead nicely into the questions you want help with.
When you say that you are not sure that your thesis is clear, what points in your paper make you feel this way? Cite them with quotations marks around them. Actually quote evidence from your own paper to help you prove your point.
When you say that you feel like it is "pretty good," what parts are you most proud of? Be specific. Point out hte lines that you really like. Cite those also and explain the effect that you hope they have on the reader.
You might consider fine-tuning this reflection before you read my comments in the posting below. There is a character limit on comments so sometimes I break them into two different comments.
I hope this helps. I probably won't say too much about your other reflections as I've said much of it here. I will look through the others and if I see something specific for you to address, I'll surely mention it but much of what I might say about reflections, I've said here.
On a side note, if you want to see some samples of how to do this. Some of your classmates have also made similar improvements and you can check them out too. Caroline does a nice job adding in some of the lines from her original draft to show why she feels how she does about her paper:
http://sugarlandd.blogspot.com/2011/01/food-paper.html
And Dan H. made nice improvements in introducing the revisions he made to the conclusions for his 7 Deadly Sins paper. He needs to clean up the spelling but the content is better that his original from a few days ago:
http://dancollegecomp.blogspot.com/2011/01/2-new-introductions.html
And I also want you to check out these two sites and read up on how to punctuate dialogue. You have some errors on this paper and these two sites should help you fix those issues up:
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml
http://teacherweb.com/CT/ScottsRidgeMS/Jennes/punctuating.pdf
I hope this helps. I've answered your questions below...
Ms. Basko
Hey Andrew,
ReplyDeleteBefore I start on this...get a great title on there. Don't forget that and also revisit the titles of each of your blog entries. This is your last chance to wow me with your creative ability to write unique titles that really fit each piece and blog entry.
Here is the feedback you asked for:
1. I'm not sure that my thesis is clear. I feel like I really know what I'm trying to talk about, yet there's a chance that some readers may not understand what I'm trying to say about him.
I think that the scene tells the story well and sometimes less is more. I don't think you need to reflect on him in the end, I think instead you can let his simple words and the fact that he keeps at it speak for itself. Be sure to make it clear WHAT he is doing out there. I know what he is doing because I work at PHS and I've seen him but it won't be clear to everyone.
So back to that ending, perhaps the way to end is with his words and you joining in.
I like what you did to expand on the cold. I remember us talking about that in an earlier draft. This is much better and it is beautifully imagery as you get back to school.
Now take that same skill and focus in on what you see when you see him. What is he doing? Make it clear to the reader. And don't forget to include the sounds of the batting cages too.
2. Next, do you think that it is a good idea to open the story with some dialogue?
I love opening the story with dialogue. It hooks the reader. And then because I'm curious about where you are going, I stick with you through the description of hte drive and the cold.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.
Ms. Basko
Hi Again Andrew,
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm happy to say that class is done! ANd I do wish you luck next semester. I so enjoyed meeting you and working with you.
I'm a little disappointed that you didn't seem to finish your portfolio "letter to the reader." And I don't see much evidence of any revision based on the feedback I left for you. I think you could have earned a higher grade on the portfolio with a bit more time and effort on this.
Good luck with the rest of the year and please come and visit me if you are nearby!
Ms. Basko